Can I send a dish back just because I didn’t like it? How do we split the check without causing a fight in the group chat? In Code of Conduct, our restaurant etiquette column, we explore the do’s and don’ts and IDKs of being a good diner. Have a question? Email us!
On any given night at your local watering hole, bartenders are doing double time, dispensing drinks and life lessons from behind the bar. If you’re rusty on bar etiquette or self-conscious about how to act on a night out, John deBary is here to help. A drinks writer and the general manager of Mission Chinese Food in New York City, he taps his vast pool of nightlife experience to navigate some everyday conundrums about which you may have been too afraid to ask.
How much should we be tipping at the bar these days? Is $1–$2 per drink still acceptable as a rule of thumb?
My general rule is that if you’re at a bar where the style of service is more akin to a restaurant and you’re taking up a seat and ordering from a cocktail menu, 20 percent is the minimum. If it’s the type of place where you’re just ordering something simple like a beer or a gin and tonic, $1–$2 per drink is fine.
Hear me out: Bartenders should take their patrons’ phones and keep them behind the bar for the duration of their stay. I’m only semi-kidding, but what is considered acceptable phone usage at the bar and when should you know to put it down and engage with your surroundings?
Confiscating phones seems extreme, but maybe there’s a market for phone-free establishments….
A lot of phone etiquette depends on context, but I believe whatever you’re doing on the phone, it should not make any noise while you’re at a bar or restaurant. As long as your phone is on silent and you’re not zoning out to TikTok while placing an order, it’s fine. Any good bartender should be responsive to the needs of their guests and not demand unneeded attention. If someone wants to doomscroll in silence and solitude while they sip their martini, let them.
I’ve always liked going to bars by myself. I enjoy chatting with the bartenders and meeting fellow patrons, but lately I’ve noticed no one cares to partake. I certainly don’t want to pressure anyone to talk to me, but what is the expected code of conduct if you’re at the bar solo?
This is another situation where context and reading cues are really important. At bars with a lively, convivial atmosphere you shouldn’t feel weird attempting to strike up a conversation with a willing participant. It’s really important to read the room and take seriously any subtle hints that someone wants to be left alone.
How do I respond to someone down the bar buying a drink for me, but I’m not interested?
Bars shouldn’t let people buy drinks for strangers and shouldn’t facilitate this very outdated—and quite frankly predatory—practice. This might be extreme, but if out of nowhere a bartender were to bring me a drink paid for by someone else, I would refuse it, and then leave. However, if you’re feeling like buying a drink for someone and don’t want to feel like a creep, you should do the same thing that everyone should do in every situation where they don’t want to be a creep: Get consent. If it seems like someone else would be interested in you buying them a drink, ask them! And be gracious if they say no in response.
